Have I Made it Now that I Have My Very Own Troll?
Why a comment on my story left me with a chattering inner critic, and why I'm unhooking from criticism.
This week I had a message from someone in response to a story I’d posted on Instagram. I was so excited to share a new coaching package that I’ve developed; the idea had been percolating for a while. It's been born with love and I’ve put so much work into making it the very best and most loving version of coaching that I can think of. It’s something I would love to be on the receiving end of. So, when I saw someone had responded, I was excited to see what they’d said.
Until I read it.
My stomach flipped, my heart sank and my inner critic went into over-drive.
It said
People like you are disgusting. You prey on insecurities and take money to spout amateur psychologist guff. How much money have you syphoned off the NHS - is that your biggest source of the damaged and vulnerable? Patronising rubbish.
The account was credited to ‘Felicity Fortescue (Wedgewood Underwood)’. An account that was allowing someone to comment anonymously. It's an account that has no followers and follows no one and was created with the specific intent to hurt, undermine or insult. The annoying thing is it did those things. It stuck with me.
I wondered about whether to write about this subject today because I don't want to give strength or credence to people like this, but I wanted to share it because allowing people to comment secretly, I feel, empowers them to go on doing it.
I'm not sure what annoys me most. The first thing was the bloody inaccuracy of it! I actually have two degrees in Psychology, a Batchelors and a Masters degree. I am also an ILM7 qualified Executive Coach. On top of that, I gave 24 years of my life to the NHS, and in the latter years experienced bullying and harassment that impacted on my mental and physical health as a result. If you added up the years that my immediate family has given the NHS, it would easily be over 100. My Mum, Dad and both my brothers have all worked tirelessly for the NHS too.
I also know that the people I work with often report of the huge impact and benefit of doing so.
So, no. It’s not ‘amateur psychologist guff’, I don’t ‘prey on the NHS’ and I haven’t ‘syphoned money off the NHS’.
But whilst my rational brain holds all of those things and knows them to be true, the irrational chattering of that incessant inner critic is also present. It's possible for you to hold two things at once.
The thing is if I was spouting amateur psychologist guff, or I was trying to fleece the NHS, or I didn't care about the people who I was ‘spouting’ to it wouldn't hurt as much.
I don't know what's in the mind of the people who do this. I guess it comes down to the same psychology as the playground bullies who feel insecure themselves and so have to exert that power over other people to feel adequate.
The irony isn't lost on me. I help people to step into their own self belief to take ownership of their unique skills and qualities, and the fantastic people that they are, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t fall foul of it too sometimes.
I spent a couple of days dwelling on the message from this person. My instinct was to put it up on my stories with a comment showing how wrong this person was and why. Two degrees, qualified coach, etc etc. But actually, I realised that would be giving this person credence, possibly much in the way this post might be, but it felt important to discuss it because this isn't the first time it's happened to me. And it won't be the last. And I want you to know that if it's happening to to you're not alone. It's okay to report, block, delete, and then just ignore, which is what I've done.
The reason it feels so unfair is because of the inability to defend yourself against this anonymous person who doesn't know you who isn't interested in you and doesn't care about what you do? So the advice is to move on, move past it, and do what I did which was to reach out to three friends who I knew would tell me to ignore it.
THE HONEY
The takeaway from this week is tricky. I am still feeling a little bruised as I share this. I guess that what I want to share is how important it is not to let other people define you. To be hooked on neither praise nor criticism, knowing that the strongest sense of your own self-worth needs to come from within.
Questions to ask yourself when you’re feeling bruised by feedback:
How much of this do I know to be true?
What’s the real reason this is impacting on me so much?
How much do I respect or trust this person’s opinion?
How does holding on to this serve me?
Oh Jane, just so horrible for you have had such an experience. You are strong, you are surrounded by those who love and respect you and the impact will pass. Until then, just sending a huge hug x
You know your words, actions and work are rooted in integrity. You don’t need to prove it to anyone. If someone or something - a bot - chooses to write make damning assumptions they know nothing about you. Get in the bin! 🤗 x